... at least that's my theory. You see, Mrs. Penguin, bless her romantic soul, booked me in for a Japanese-style comprehensive checkup (健康診断, kenko shindan) on February 14th. Not having experienced one before, I had high hopes it would involve an attractive Japanese nurse prodding me gently in various places before giving me a clean bill of health and possibly a giggly, whispered confession that it is true what they say about foreigners.
However, this turns out not to be the case (the bit about the nurse I mean). It is apparently some kind of three hour ordeal, highlight of which is drinking a large amount of barium (what!?), presumably so the doctors can see what you look like with a large amount of barium inside you.
Also, there were some preparations to do beforehand. Samples. I won't go into details, as some of them are quite disgusting, but three day's worth of phlegm (痰, tan) globules were required. Now, to be honest, phlegm is not something I have ever been asked to provide before, in fact I only had a vague idea what it was (something smokers cough up?) but apparently it lurks in my lungs. So, according to the detailed instructions which came with the whole package all I have to do is very carefully expel some into the test tube provided. So I spent a good ten minutes wheezing and coughing and straining and produced a wonderful sore throat. And pained larynx and strained bronchial tract.
Next evening the same, at which point I made an executive decision to sod that for a game of soldiers as I can't give them what I don't appear to have. Though maybe it's a misunderstanding and tan one of those things unique to Japanese people (possibly related to the inability to blow their noses).
Now, the next evening, the one before the checkup, was extra special because you are not allowed to eat or drink anything (even water) after 9pm. Dutifully I followed these instructions, though as I felt a teensy bit of a sore throat coming on I had to sneak in a few cough sweets to help me get a good night's sleep.
And woke up in the morning (Sunday) at around 5am, dehydrated with a fever terrible cough searing through my bronchial tract and barely in a condition to go to the bathroom, let alone leave the house. Which I have done just twice since Saturday (both times a couple of hundred metres to the nearest convenience store), and as an added bonus have barely been able to speak as any attempt sets off a spectacular coughing fit.
I may even have coughed up the odd microgram of tan. General Pyrrhus would have been proud.
